As I stare at your picture... reminded of such a happy time
a happiness that I thought would last forever, getting better
and better as time went on. A future that I thought was for
sure. Not sure when, but eventually. Now faced with the idea
that it may not be, and searching for a way to cope with that
has proven harder than I ever thought anything would be. There
has never been a challenge that I have faced where I was
not sure that I would come out victorious. Now as much as
I hate to admit it I think I may lose this. I think I may
have lost the happiness that I have searched for my entire life.
I had it... at one point.. in my hands, in my grip. Until someone
ripped that away from me. Ripped it out of my hands, when I
was not expecting it and I got so taken by suprise that I didn't
ever catch up. They were one step ahead of me the whole time.
But none of that really matters right now... it doesn't matter
any more... it's time to seriously look at my future now... not
what it was before my happiness got ripped from me.
Time to stop looking at it as the end of my life... and try to
focus on the positives, perhaps at that time, my happiness
will find it's way back into my life.

All I know for sure is that I can't stop thinking about James,
and about how all I want is to have him back in my day to day
life, not as a force against me but with me. I don't know if this
is a lost cause... but I refuse to treat it that way until I have
exhausted all of my efforts... This may kill me before it makes
me stronger. time is against me on this one.